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Ziv's Story

Jan 21, 2021 • By Be'ad Chaim

My story, by Ziv (not her real name)

I’m the mom of a small boy and had been in a very storming relationship for the last half year. About six months ago, my partner and I started having very loud arguments. After one of the arguments, my partner left the house and our crisis began.

During that period of time, I discovered that I was in an unplanned pregnancy. We made major efforts to reconcile, but because of the arguments, financial pressures and hormonal changes, I found myself in a very tough emotional state. The quarrels continued, and every time we fought, I felt that the house was falling apart.  I became very frightened about how I could possibly raise a child alone and without any money. Even though God sent me signs to hold onto, I lost my hope, got confused by everything that was happening and fell hard. Twice, I scheduled abortions, but I didn’t show up because I just wasn’t able to and my heart refused. The quarrels continued and I continued to lose ground. During one of our separations, my partner asked me to have an abortion.  For the third time and after unending arguments and separations with horrible things said and increasing fears- those around me got involved and made me an appointment for an abortion. I went; although, I was totally confused and filled with fear, emotionally shattered and not knowing which way to decide. In addition, there was the pressure of the passing weeks and soon I wouldn’t be able to have an abortion. What would I do if in the end I was left all alone? How would I raise another child alone?  I was afraid, I imagined horrible things. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to cope and that I would become depressed and wouldn’t be able to raise two children on my own. What would happen if I couldn’t function? I dreaded that the children would be taken away.

The false notion that it’s possible and permissible to abort a child  is wrong. I don’t even know how it’s legal! I have so much anger toward the specific person who arranged for this abortion to happen. It was done as though wrapped in concern but it was wrong to get involved in my personal decision and to convince me that it was the right thing to do. From my perspective, it is the evil inclination of the heart that tried to cause me to stumble and succeeded. I was tested and evil used all of its tools to warp my perspective and to scare me.

I lost my child because of a lack of emotional stability. I was persuaded that it was the right thing to do, that the pregnancy was unwanted  and that it was the wrong time. I made a mistake and there is no way of return to fix it now.

The feeling of loss and guilt are hard to bear.

The soul which came into this world to bring light to me – I rejected . Now,  I am not able to continue my life as I was - the pain and loss are tremendous. At the end of the day, it’s my fault for not listening to my heart. Until the last moment, I wanted to flee from there, and that’s the biggest mistake that I made in my life. I can’t be myself again because of it. As I look back, everything feels like a bad movie. I can’t retrieve what was lost.

I beg you with all my heart, if someone is reading this  now and going through a similar situation, please don’t abort. Protect the little light that is shining in your womb and trust the Creator  to take care of you, your circumstances and the little light growing in you.   

There is no way to turn back the wheel now, I wish there were. The only thing that I can do now is to prevent this from happening again.

Ziv